May 22, 2013

judgey mcjudger

as it turns out, the length of my To Do list is directly proportional to the length of the list of things that i end up doing that aren't on the To Do list. did that make sense? probably no. 

lemme 'splain. (name that movie)

whenever i have a buttload of important crap to do, i find myself using my valuable time doing other crap that isn't important or neccessary or really even sensible. like, what? i have a To Do list longer than the Declaration of Independence? i should probably paint my toe nails then. and read that book i've owned for a year but haven't cracked open. and clean my car that hasn't run in 6 months. 

yesterday's waste of time was spent reading a crap ton of blogs. and perusing the interweb for a dress to wear to a wedding. because, as it turns out, despite the fact that i've been to several weddings, there's only been like one where i wasn't a bridesmaid. and i don't know what to wear to a wedding if the outfit isn't already assigned to me. i wore a uniform from 5th grade until the last day of my senior year of high school. getting dressed on my own doesn't come naturally. on a scale from one to mental patient where would i be if i wore my school uniform to the aforementioned wedding?

in my copious spare time the throes of utter procrastination,i read this post from Erin and i was like, yes. that sounds exactly like a post i would write. and then i decided that i would straight up copy her. because coming up with my own original version of it would take time.

i had to. 

so here i am. giving full credit to Erin. and 100% admitting that i'm copying her idea. and praying that the gods of blogland drama leave me alone.

and here they are:
10 Reasons You Ought To Judge Me

1. i hate chocolate milk. there's something personally offensive about someone not liking a food/drink that you love. like when someone tells me they don't like peanut butter i find myself legitimately questioning our friendship and whether or not i actually trust them. and i don't try to, but i know i always throw them this face. it just happens.
also, i still have a ginormous crush on christian bale.
and i know when people are questioning my friendship/trust because they give the same face when i tell them i hate chocolate milk. it happens every time. people don't get it. truth be told, i don't get it. milk, good. chocolate, good. hot chocolate, good. chocolate milk, no. it tastes like someone else's bad breath.

2. i smack my gum. i know. I KNOW. it's the worst. and i cannot stand it when someone else does. hypocrisy comes quite naturally to me. and it's not all the time. but if i begin to focus or concentrate on something, my jaws go into full viking mode and i start chewing that gum like it's the flesh of a wild bore. sometimes i lose control and chomp down on my own tongue or the side of my cheek. blood is drawn. and i regret my smacking.

3. i don't know how to pronounce "chambray". i don't own a chambray shirt. i don't plan on ever owning one since shirts with collars make me look like i have a chineck and the shoulder width of a linebacker.  so i've never really needed to know how to pronounce it. but i live in fear of the day that it comes up in conversation and i say it wrong. 
(10 points to Gryffindor if you can tell me what word Ted Mosby mispronounced for 30 years.)

4. i don't floss. 

i don't think i have regularly flossed since i had  braces. and i got those bad boys taken off in 8th grade. so it's been a minute. i just hate it so much. even when the dental hygienist is doing it for me (which is always an odd experience, am i right? like, hey now that you've brushed and flossed my teeth for me could you comb my hair and like, i don't know dress me?) i still hate it. but i am a really good brusher. so the odds of my teeth falling out aren't totally against me.

5. i have never watched even one episode of The Bachelor/Bachelorette 
it's not that i don't occasionally dig a good bout of reality tv (i'm looking at you, Teen Mom) but i just can't get into the whole concept of those shows. it's just so odd and gross. like a weird love octagon. if i'm going to watch a television show depicting a relationship that has its ups an downs but eventually leads to marriage, it's going to be The Office. because.. jim and pam. obviously.  
i can't even.

and speaking of dating...
6. i never dated garrett.

you can read a little summary of the whole story here. but the fact of the matter is this: we never dated. we went on dates sporadically but always just as friends. we kissed a couple of times, but we never let it turn into anything else. dating just wasn't in the cards for us. it's not that we didn't want it, but the timing was never right. and by the time it was right, we just went all in. i don't feel like we rushed into anything at all. i've known garrett for 7 years now, 4 when we got engaged. i knew him. he knew me. it didn't feel rushed or strange in the slightest. and while i don't necessarily suggest our route of not dating, it worked for us. it probably wouldn't for everyone. but it worked for us. but let's be honest, i had the snot judged out of me when my facbook status went from single to engaged overnight. 

7. i love dogs more than most people.

i'm not saying that i love dogs more than the average joe, i'm saying i love dogs more than i love the average joe. i just love them. i get so excited when i see a dog i actually laugh out loud. like the peanut butter issue, i find it difficult to trust someone who doesn't love dogs (though there are exceptions) and i fear that one day i will have a child with a dog allergy and i will then have to have an outside child. i mean dog. oh, and yes, we let gilly sleep in the bed with us. more judgement!  

8. i sing guitar solos. please know that i use the term "sing" loosely there. i just have no other term for it. i noise guitar solos? i don't know. all i know is that when More Than a Feeling by Boston is on, i sing every note of that guitar solo. i also sing the country western and harmonica portion of the song Santa Fe in Newsies. (i am seriously giving you way more than 10 reasons to judge me here.) i remember realizing i was doing it once when i was 16 and thinking to  myself ' wow. i'm weird. i will never find a boy to love me..' true story. 

9. i write a lot. i recently read this post over at The Life of Bon and was super disturbed to read that according to the experts (whoever they are) "we (as bloggers) lose our audience if we write too much and the best blog posts are succinct in writing." and i think garrett would tend to agree with this. he always tells me my blog posts are too long. but he's a boy. and he hates reading. so..there's that. but in all honesty, i do. i write a lot. i know i write more than most bloggers. but, as i told Bonnie, every single time i click on the 'new post' link in blogger, i do so with the intention to write a little piece of my life. sometimes it's a "here's what happened this weekend" kind of post. sometimes it's a deep, thoughtful or reflective post. sometimes it's just stupid crap that makes me laugh. the fact is, it's all mine. and i love sharing it with other people. but my life is mine and i want to remember it exactly as i live it, exactly as i feel it, exactly as it is. not in 100 words or less. the way i see it, blogs are like on-going books. and if it's a good book, i don't mind reading. in fact, i want to read more. but apparently the masses don't agree. 

10. i wear a lot of makeup.

when i was 21, my life was super confusing and pretty much every single guy i met was an absolute arse to me for absolutely no reason. i remember one guy that i totally did not even know like at all telling me that he and his roommates were talking about me (and not in the good way) and how they all determined that i wore too much makeup and that they didn't like my hair because it didn't look natural.

i does one accurately respond to that? i feel he was trying to give me a heads up, like he thought by telling me this that he was somehow doing me a favor? it was weird. and kind of offensive. i mean, i legitimately did not even know these people-had not spoken to them ever. i had merely passed them in church hallways.

but then i realized they were right. i do wear a lot of makeup. i still break out on the reg, i have a ton of scarring from past breakouts, my skin tone is uneven and not so hot and my eyes are ginormous. so i wear makeup. and though it be a lot, i tend to think it still looks human. i know the general rule is that guys prefer girls who don't wear a lot of makeup. but let me clarify that for you. guys prefer girls who look pretty without wearing a lot of makeup. and i admit, i'm just not one of them. i don't look like a total bridge troll, but i definitely look better with makeup on than off. and if you don't believe me, let's talk about how i wore makeup almost never throughout high school and didn't have a single date the whole 4 years (unless you count the two prom dates that i had to ask). not even a flirty, texting thing. nothing. so again, guys probably do prefer girls to wear less makeup. i'm fortunate enough to have married someone who genuinely loves my face no matter what is on it. whether it be a an entire mountain range of cystic acne or a plethora of makeup, he doesn't care either way. he's a rare breed, that garrett. 

so there you have it. and i think i've wasted enough of today's time. so i'll go do something productive now. or i will take a nap. same same.


lyrics: i am not afraid to keep on living. i am not afraid to walk this world alone.


  1. Ahh you don't like chocolate milk?!!! Haha I don't like it either. But I also don't like regular milk, if we are being honest here. Also, I think when guys say they want a girl that doesn't wear a lot of makeup what they actually mean is that the girl can wear all the makeup she wants as long at it looks natural. Natural is the key word!!

  2. I hate chocolate milk too! And I hate flossing. I have a friend that went to the dentist once and he asked "when was the last time you flossed your teeth?" And my friend said "I dont did it" haha

  3. well i thought we were going to be blog besties, but since you don't like chocolate milk i may have to put that on hold.... KIDDDING, you watch HIMYM so we're cool again.

  4. Movie: The Princess Bride?
    Flossing: Hate it too!

  5. Haha, I am so good at finding a separate to do list that isn't my to do list, especially when school is on my actual to do list! ;)

  6. I personally think your make-up always looks fantastic. Stupid boys, what do they know? (except Garrett of course).

  7. I'll admit, I didn't read every word, but I liked every word I read. The first one made me feel a little bit better about myself and like I have a friend in the world (like how I'm spending my time right now...)... And the last one about make-up made me laugh. I love what you said about guys liking girls who look good without make-up. Ha! So true. I look completely different with make-up, too. White eyelashes, white eyebrows, it just doesn't work.

    You da bomb girl.

  8. I totally judged you on this post and now I adore you even more. I smack my gum all day long and I don't care who's annoyed. I love your lengthy posts, they're a nice change from posts with 6,000 gifs (not to mention your sharp, witty style keeps things a-moving). And your fellow bad-skin gal right here thinks wearing lots of makeup is just fine and dandy. Whatever makes you feel your best. Plus--you snagged a pretty fine catch without even having to go through the BS that is dating, so I'd say you're one up on most of us ;)

  9. There are so many things about this post that I love....and then I find myself kicking myself in the shins (that sounded better in my head) for not meeting up with you yet. Whatcha doing tomorrow?

  10. I made the exact face dear Christian did when I read you don't like chocolate milk.

    But no worries, I still love ya!

  11. not judging you at all...but when I am judging is your handwriting...and how badly i want to steal it right out of your hands!!! :)

  12. Sooooo I maybe might have to steal this idea. I'll send credit your way though! As far as writing a lot goes - this drives me a little nuts. I KNOW it's true that most people have a short attention span when it comes to blog posts but that never stops me from writing a novel if I feel like it because I like to write, you know? Anyway. That is all.

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