we met at 18 over a college cafeteria dinner and a conversation about bee stings.
i suppose you could say we were best friends from the start.
i kissed him on friday, october 13th after realizing he and i had a fairytale kind of story.
and then i freaked out.
and i froze.
and i realized i wasn't ready for a boyfriend..or a relationship.
and then i sort of broke his heart.
and that sort of broke mine.
so i apologized.
and we went back to best friends.
and it was easy and effortless and it was happy.
we did things like build squirrel traps together.
and drive. just to get out of our small college town.
he would throw rocks at my 4th floor dorm window.
and i would not go to bed at night until i got a goodnight hug (and usually a kiss on the head) from him.
we had a math class together and we sat next to each other.
sometimes we would go out to dinner.
sometimes we would watch movies.
once or twice we held hands.
no matter what went on in my life or what other guy i was flirting with/kissing i always had a crush on him.
but we remained best friends.
because for some reason, it just never felt right to be anything more than that.
in march of 2007 he told me he was putting in his mission papers to serve a full time (two year) mission for our church.
in august of 2007 we drove across the country together.
me, him, 2 ipods and a whole lot of road.
it was kind of a blast.
in october of 2007 he left on that two year mission-to perth, australia.
he told me he was in love with me the night before he left.
i couldn't lie. it was mutual.
i did love him.
over the course of those two years my life took some major turns.
and it was over the course of those two years that my depression became very real.
i began dating someone else.
i had my heart broken.
and somewhere in all of it, i lost myself.
it was the longest two years of my life.
and unfortunately, i wasn't the only one who had a broken heart.
i was scared to see him again.
i was scared he would be too hurt to forgive me.
i was scared he would not recognize me the way i did not recognize myself.
and i was scared to face the feelings i still had for him.
i almost didn't go to his homecoming.
but then he came home.
and i was there.
and i don't really know how to explain what happened after that.
but it went something like this:
my best friend had come home.
and i felt so happy for the first time in a very long time.
it was a very good feeling.
i told him that night that i loved him.
because i did.
i loved him.
how could i not?
this is the boy who threw rocks at my window for crying out loud!
it's really hard to put it all into words.
but for years my life was like a big jig-saw puzzle that made no sense to me.
and that night, as we sat awkwardly spaced from each other, and as i cried (more than talked) to him about my life for the past two years, that puzzle started to make sense.
and i realized i never wanted to not have him in my life.
for reasons i still don't understand, he forgave me for all the crap i put him through.
i suppose you could say we "dated" for a few weeks.
if by dated you mean texted all day every day because i was in utah and he was in california.
but he did come to visit me...
over thanksgiving break we both flew out to georgia so he could meet my family.
he proposed to me on the side of the road on the way home from the airport.
i said yes.
we took cute engagement pictures.
and then i married him for forever.
well..not really. we've only just begun.