Dear Me

probably one of my favorite things about blogging is "meeting" other bloggers. i know for some people blogging is just an online journal. and i'd be lying if i said that wasn't how this blog started/still how i feel about it. but in addition to it being a place for me to write my life down without getting a nasty hand cramp (because hey, i haven't been a diligent and fast note taking student for like..3 years now..) it's become a way for me to interact with other people who enjoy documenting their life 
(the good, the bad and the ugly) just as much as i do. and it's really sort of great. 

one of my bloggy pals, Lisette, started a link up called Letters To My Former Single Self 

(i stated before in this post that i haven't really done a ton of link ups before, but the If I Were a Boy and this link up are just so perfect, i can't pass them up.)

i was lame and didn't join the link up last week,but i am going to be joining in on the link up this week. and probably next week. so hold on to your hats.

this week's letter will be address this question:
What did you think about dating and marriage the year before you met "The One?"

well, this is sort of complicated. technically, i was 17 years old one year before i met garrett. he and i met the first week of our freshman year of college (you can read more about that here) but i was 20 a year before i realized that Garrett was "the one". 

so you get to read two different letters. 
starting with the letter to a 17 year old katie claire (since that's what everyone called me in that day)

dear 17 year old katie claire,


i know, i know. you don't have a boyfriend and that sucks. you've never had a boyfriend. you've never been asked to prom. you've never been on a real date. all you've ever experienced at this point are cute boys with raging hormones who like to kiss you, but not date you. real gems, those ones. i know you want what everyone else seems to have. i get it. and i know you feel like you'll never be enough for anyone. it's lonely and it's hard to be so "behind in life". but the truth is, in the end, when you're kneeling across the alter from the boy that you will end up marrying (and YES, stop panicking, because you WILL get married.), you'll laugh for a second to yourself because guess what-you'll never date him. you haven't met him yet, but when you go to college he will be your best friend. and a lot of life will happen between when you meet him and when you marry him. but when it comes down to it, you'll never date him. you'll  be best friends,you'll fall in love with him and then you'll marry him. (and most everyone you know will look at you like you're insane. just be prepared for that now.) and you'll find that the couple of years that you actually spend emerged in the dating pool totally and completely suck. even more than it sucks to be boyfriendless at 17. even more than it sucks to have to ask a relative stranger to be your prom date. it's really not fun. marriage is a lot more fun. so stop worrying about being someone's girlfriend and start focusing on being a wife. because you'll be a wife to the boy you marry. not a girlfriend.
...
but, like i stated before, even though i met garrett at 18, i didn't know he was the one i would marry until October 17, 2009. and a year before that, i was very lost.

october 15, 2008. dashboard confessional concert with my friend, bree. ignore my hair. take note of my super forced smile.

dear 2008 kate,

remember when you were 17 and you thought not having a boyfriend was the very worst thing in the world? wouldn't it be nice to go back to that now? because now sucks. now is hard. really, incredibly, painfully hard. and that is an understatement. it's ironic, huh?. you were miserable at 17 because you didn't have a boy to love. now you're 20 and miserable because your very first boyfriend, your very first real love is gone. he's gone. and you're alone. and this is hard. and i hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it's going to get worse. it's hard to believe. and i'll spare you the details. but you will feel more pain in the next 6 months than you have ever felt in your life. every area, every inch, every single portion of your life will be tried. no part of you won't feel pain. and you will break. your hope, your faith, your spirit will all break. and for some time, it won't seem worth it. nothing will seem worth it. for some time you will feel worthless. for some time you will think that your entire world has ended. but please believe me. please trust me. you are not worthless. your world has not ended. and he, this boy that has shattered your heart, he is not even close to what you actually want. 
you will learn that that first love was good for you. and that you needed him in your life for a time. and you need all of this to learn and grow and to prepare yourself for the marriage that WILL happen. but he is not the only one for you. and none of the boys that you will try to "move on" with are right for you, either. in fact, they're all going to use you. they will see you as a lost and vulnerable girl who doesn't know what she wants or needs and they will swoop in on you for some rebound lovin' like a vulture on a freshly speedbumped armadillo. and they will make you think that that boy was the only one who will ever make you happy;they will make you feel like no one will ever really love you again. but it's not true.
in fact, right this moment, there is a boy who loves you. remember the boy you met the first week of your freshman year of college? he loves you. he has wanted to marry you since that first conversation you ever had. and in one  year, the two of you will reunite. and the moment you see him again, you will feel the way he's felt for over 2 years. so when this gets worse, when you lose your hope, remember him. because he is worth fighting for. you are worth fighting for. and what you will have together is worth fighting for. stay strong. your smile will come back. you will feel happiness again. it seems impossible now. but with the help of some spectacular people,an amazing professor, your very best friend in the world, a little therapy, some prozac and most of all,that boy who has loved you for so long, you will feel happiness again. 

and it will be amazing.

love,

2013 kate.

lyrics: just find the horizon, i promise you it's not as far as you think.