mischief managed.

i'll start this out by stating that i'm kind of a loser and i mostly have been my entire life.

i think on more than one occasion i have begun a post with the line
"i have an obsessive personality."
but if i'm not mistaken, i haven't posted any of those posts.
for fear of being judged.
obsession is not often a word used in a positive light.
it's not a bad word, of course. but it's not always used in the best way.
like the word flesh.
by no means is flesh a nasty or bad word, but it's often only used in a nasty or bad way.
(you don't often hear"she has beautiful flesh!" so much as you do hear "it smells like burnt flesh.")
get it?

that being said, i'm not always proud of this condition of mine.
my obsessive personality, that is. (not burnt flesh.)
but there are times when i simply cannot deny the facts.
i have an obsessive personality.
now is one of those times.

but before i go embarrassing myself more than i already have, i will do my best to clarify.
when i was a freshman in high school i watched the movie Newsies every day for the entire school year.
weird, right?
when i was a senior in high school i spent hours and hours (that i should have spent studying and homeworking) in the search for the perfect prom dress.
so vein, right?
and when i got into this blogging jank i stayed up until the wee hours of the morning trying to perfect it and make it very much my own.
useless, right?

well, maybe.
it could very well be weird and vein and useless.
but there's a part of me that finds something i love, something that makes me very happy and my entire being just holds on to it.

my freshman year of high school was a fairly lonely one.
i was in a very awkward stage-knowing what i wanted from life but not entirely sure of how to go about getting there. i rarely saw my best friends. my sister had moved away for college and i just felt like there wasn't much to look forward to in life. it was pretty mundane.
i loved the movie newsies and when i watched it, i found it made me happy. it was something that took my mind of everything blah. and so i held on to it. and for an entire school year i would watch it. and listen to the soundtrack. and replay it in my mind. it was a coping thing for me.
albeit weird, it helped me.

my senior year i knew i wasn't going to be asked to prom. i hadn't been the year before and (as dumb as i realize prom is now) it made me sad. and so i developed in my mind this idea. what if i was the girl that walked into prom and was absolutely breathtaking? what if i was the girl that made everyone wonder why i hadn't been asked to prom? and so i began to hunt. for the dress that would make it all possible. i spent months on end trying to find it and practicing new makeup techniques to use. and i was determined to lose weight for the occasion, too. and so i found a lovely dress. it was dark turquoise and silky and it made me look tallish. and i mastered my makeup and impressed even myself with how great it turned out. and i did lose weight. 25 pounds, thank you very much. and so i walked into prom. and not a single head turned. and no one gasped in awe. and not a single guy asked me to dance. but i mostly didn't care. because i was happy with how it had turned out. and really (if i'm being honest) i didn't/don't care what any of those guys thought/think. and that was a very good conclusion for me to come to. (because maybe you haven't noticed, but i'm married to the greatest guy in the whole wide world. and had i lived in california and had i gone to high school with him, i know for sure he would have found me breathtaking-even if i had walked into prom in jeans and a t shirt.)

and while it's been a slow and steady process, i think every minute i put into my blog is a minute well spent. because this feels very much like me. and it is very therapeutic. and i'm developing all sorts of talents i didn't even know i had. (geeky talents like graphic design and coding but...whatevs.) and i still like to think that people enjoy reading what i have to say. and looking and what i make. and it makes me happy.

so now i will divulge maybe my most closeted (until recently) obsession. it's been years. and the obsession has only increased. yikes, right?
well, i've already spilled all of my other geeky beans so i might as well go big.
i love harry potter.
love.
i have made a point to see every movie at a midnight showing (with the exception of order of the phoenix-since i was an efy counselor at the time and regrettably, could not leave efy to go see the movie.)
i own every book and they are on display in my house.
i follow half of the cast on twitter.
it is high on my bucket list to go to the wizarding world of harry potter in florida.
i have an HP movie marathon before every movie that comes out.
several of my dreams consist of me living in a magical world in which i have a wand and i'm awesome at magic.
and i may or may not resent myself for being a muggle.

and lately (as in this whole summer) the obsession has only increased.
what with the anticipation of the last movie.
and this past week i have spent all day reading, every evening watching one of the movies with garrett, my sister and her husband and then going to bed, with a book light and reading until my eyes don't stay open.
i realize this is very nerdy of me.
but i also realize that this is something that has made me happy for ten years.
and so i thought i would share.
because there aren't many things that make you happy for ten years straight.
and while the end of it all will bring many, many tears...
i will focus my obsession on just how fantastic it's all going to be.

so go ahead and judge me.
that's fine.
because i'm happy.
and at midnight on thursday night/friday morning (and every time i see one of the movies or read the books) i will be loving life.
and if you're going to judge that...

so i'll end this by saying that i'm kind of a loser and i mostly have been my entire life.
but honestly. it's pretty fun.

love,
kate.

lyrics: so raise your glass if you are wrong in all the right ways.