January 13, 2010

eggs, beans, five...

i need a job.

and i'm not just saying that because it's what people say when they open their wallet and a moth ball tumbles out of it.

i mean it.

i need a job.

i specifically took this semester off of school so that i could work full time and earn some money.

because i could be wrong..but last i checked marriage is a little expensive.

i'm trying to be responsible.

i'm trying to be a big girl.


no one is hiring.

my personal favorite response, however, is: "uhmm..i'm not sure if we are hiring or not, but you can just drop off a resume and if we are then you'll be on file."

thank you.

for your charming and informative help.

thank you.

and really? a resume to work at a tanning salon? a resume to work at Flirty Aprons??

what is this?

i'm not going corporate here.

what kind of background and schooling do i need to sell cute aprons to stay at home moms?


resume shmesume.

just hire me.


i'll tell you why.

shwum: i didn't get best smile in high school for no reason.
i can snake charm anyone into buying crap they don't need despite this blasted recession.

doo: my depression has taught me the incredible skill of enjoying doing nothing.
i would even venture to say i'm semi-pro at it. sitting around doing nothing would throw any normal human into a coma of boredom.
i relish it.
don't get me wrong.
this isn't the lazy, fat kid speaking out.
this is a highly respectable quality.
i have a rare capability to just be still without aide of Ritalin or Adderall.
admit it. that's talent.
or skill.
or whatever word will best get me a job.

doo and heif:i spent a year in cosmetology school.
requirements* for such a challenge include but are not limited to: endurance
immunity to stupid people
ability to function on one minute of sleep
and absolute determination to just get the job done.

[*other requirements which are not beneficial to this application process and should probably be overlooked are that of: disillusion thinking, self-loathing and masochism, a longing for hopes and dreams to be shattered, and in some rare cases, straight up insanity.]

sheven: because of the previously mentioned cosmetology school experience, i have an incredible ability to sell based on little to no personal experience with a product.
[i.e. selling product for curly hair to clients with curly hair when i, myself, cannot get my hair to even consider curling.]
also, i'm great at over looking the obvious and finding ways to compliment the not so obvious.
[sure the crappy bleach you put on your head yourself has broken off almost 2/3 of your length. but man look at the way your chemical cut frames your face. and with a little toner you'll look just like a mcdonald's M. and who doesn't love mcdonalds?!]

shforteen-teen: and lastly, i am that kid that everyone hates when it comes to just sucking it up and going anyways.
not following?
remember those wintery days of school when there was someone sniffling and sneezing behind you? it was the same person who spent their lunch period curled up in a ball wishing they were dead rather than thinking about eating food. it was the same person who always carried around midol, advil, tylenol, throat lozenges, tissues, eye drops, band aides, lotion, a tide to go pen, neosporin, ace bandages and germ-x. and that person was me.
i tend to have a slight anxiety attack [but don't worry, i have my prozac] when i get sick and have to miss school.
most kids loved missing school.
some particularly stupid kids even faked being sick in an effort to miss school.
i, on the other hand, faked being well.
i masked my illnesses.
nothing was worse than missing school and having to make up tests and quizes and projects and presentations.
i recently met my match in the form of the swine flu.
after trucking through a week of attending class and doing my best to feign health, i was asked to remove myself from a classroom by a professor who was unable to lecture due to my heinous background cough.
however, in my defense, this is the first time i have accepted defeat and backed down from my acting. i have no intentions of calling in "sick" just because my right eye won't open or because i seem to be experiencing internal bleeding. it can wait. my job comes first.
i think we all get the point.

so there is my reh-zoom.

i expect to receive a phone call any minute from every one of the 24 jobs i applied for this week.

wish me luck.


[lyrics: they say our love won't pay the rent. before it's earned, our money's all been spent. i guess that's so. we don't have a lot. but at least i'm sure of all the things we got.-sonny and cher]

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