December 5, 2009

who knew?

okay. i suck.

i know. there's no need for it to be pointed out to me.

and i'm really sorry.


i would love to have incredibly legitimatize reasons for not writing for so long..

but i don't.
so i will do my best to sum up my life..

i suffered from a lot of depression for a long time.

i got medical help.

i got help from my family and friends.

i attended a lot of therapy.

i cried a lot.

i ran away to Arizona for the summer.

i spent time with my family.

i tried very hard to pretend like my life was okay.

it didn't work.

i was still depressed. and i was still hurting.

i started a new semester in August.

i met new people and just when i thought things were starting to turn around...

rejection. x3.

i had had enough.

i couldn't do it anymore.

i was too weak, too numb and too ruined to keep pushing.

i had pushed for two years and i was done.

i hardened my heart to everything and decided that no one was worth crying over anymore.

i stopped caring about other people and about what they thought of me.

i vowed to not even look twice at a guy until the new year.

i was ripped and torn and broken and i needed mending time.

and then garrett came home from his mission.
i was terrified of him.
i was more than positive that he would hate me just as much as every other guy i knew.
he had written me and told me to give up hope on being best friends again.
let's make that rejection x4. i was scared to see him. i was scared to not see him.
i was afraid of how different the future would be than how i had always imagined it.
i thought he would be my best friend and he would text and call me all the time and we could laugh and be stupid together...
but that wasn't going to happen after all.
my depression hit a whole new low.
i was barely functioning.
it was hard to believe that the small portions of my heart that weren't broken could be shattered even my best friend.
but they were.
however, i had a plane ticket to see him when he came home.
and as scared as i was, i wanted one last hug...
even if it wasn't real.
i spent an entire day with garrett's family the day before he came home.
i felt strange that whole day.
i was feeling things i had expected.
i felt comfortable.
i felt happy.
i felt excited.
i felt lie they were my family.
the next day garrett came home.
i doubt i will ever let the moment i saw him slip from my memory.
it had only been two years but i was afraid he wouldn't look the same.
but he did.
i would have recognized him anywhere.
he was tall and skinny and just as cute as i had remembered.
he walked slowly towards the group of people waiting to see him.
as precious as he is, he shook his head quickly as if to shake off the image of him crying.
i watched his every movement.
i didn't peel my eyes off of him.
as he began hugging his family my mind began racing.
i had no clue whether or not he was going to hug me.
would he punch me right there in front of his family?
would he tell me to go home?
or would he actually just hug me like he used to?
my heart was pounding and my eyes were tearing up.
i began shaking and for a second i was almost certain i was going to pass out.
he hugged his friend adam. then he stepped in front of me and held his arms out. i stepped back. i was nervous or afraid or in love or something..and i wasn't ready to find out what would happen as a result.
he moved right past me. it didn't seem to phase him at all that i didn't hug him.
he was over me. that was it.
i had my answer.
and as that reality set in, i decided i did need that one last hug.
he continued to hug every person in attendance and as he came back over i held me arms out..or up, really.
he hugged me.
he picked me up.
and then he hugged me like he used to.
the same hug that produced our first kiss.
the same hug i gave him every time i saw him.
the hug that allowed us to be as close to each other as possible.
i don't know how long the hug lasted.
i just remember trying not to sob into his shoulder.
he was home.
my best friend was home.
it was him.
it was still him.
and i knew for a fact at that moment that i loved him completely.
i held on tight to that hug.
i was certain it would be my last.
more heartache would come later, but right then and there-i was happy.

the entire day went by and every second i wasn't with him was another second i was sure i was in love with him.
i felt like he was ignoring me the whole day.
i felt like he wanted nothing to do with me..and while i had expected was still hurting.
when the day was over and the friends and family had gone home, i couldn't take it anymore.
i had to talk to him.
and so i did.
well, i cried to him, actually.
i may have said 6 words and then my body bent in half and i shoved my face into a pillow and began to sob.
what could i say to him that would make up for 18 months of treating him like crap?
what would i have to offer that would appeal to him enough to forget about his broken heart?
i had nothing.
i was so inadequate.
my little as it was..was not even close to enough for him.
he deserved everything and i had so little to offer.
it hurt so bad.
i had no where to go and nothing to say.
i was torn.
i didn't wish to take back the things that had happened while he was gone, but i wanted to go back and make him feel the way he always had.
i had nothing to give.
and with that realization, i concluded that i also had nothing to lose.
my heart was already broken.
what else could happen?
so i spilled.
i told him everything that had happened and everything that i had felt and that i was currently feeling.
the words scared me as i tried to say them and eventually it came out.
i asked him if i would ever have a chance with him again...
his response didn't come fast enough and yet it seemed to come way to quickly.
i wasn't ready for the hurt.

i don't quite know how to explain what happened after that.
the next 10 minutes were the fastest moving 10 minutes of my life.
one second i was sobbing and begging for his forgiveness. the next second garrett was crying with me telling me he wished he could say yes to me..but that i had hurt him too much.
the next second he told me i had a chance if i was willing to commit to the possibility of marrying him.
and the next second he was kissing me.
i had one of those teary laughs and i asked him
"are we like..getting married?"
his response:"i think so..?"

and the rest is history. i guess.
he's been all i think about since that day.
we're engaged now.
we're getting married on april 17, 2010 and i couldn't be happier. he has managed to mend almost every little shard of my once broken heart.
i laugh a real laugh now.
i smile a real smile now.
i am so blessed.
i couldn't ask for a more perfect man to marry.
i've learned so much in the past 2 years.
i don't regret any of it.
it has all brought me to this point and i would do it all over again to be with garrett.

so that's that. it's a long story in a semi-short blog entry.
but now that all of that is out, i can begin writing about my engagement time.
it's a strange time.
very, very stressful.
but it's so fun.
i'm getting married!
i'm thrilled about it.
i know i'll have tons to write about from here on out, so this definitely won't be the last entry for 5 months again.
until next time...



[lyric:if anyone could make me a better person, you could. all i've got to say is i must have done something good.]

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