May 23, 2009

i need caffine to the blood stream.

today, for a number of reasons, i became very nostalgic.

i opened up my blinds and was happy to see yet another day of summer.

utah has been good to me lately.

i only have 3 1/2 weeks of spring term left.

and then it will be real summer.

oh glory be.

but i remembered that the savannah christian graduation is tomorrow.

and then i remembered that it's been 3 freaking years since i graduated from high school.

and that is disgusting to think about.

i don't like thinking it has been 3 years since i wore/destroyed my school uniform.

i have been doing a ton of thinking for about the past month.

i'm surprised my brain hasn't gone on strike.

i've been missing being 18 a lot.

18 was when i graduated.

18 was when i went to SVU.

18 was when i figured out who i was.

and i'm wishing i could be 18 again because i'm not really sure who i am anymore.

i mean...i know who i am.

sort of.

i still know the primary answer of "i am a child of God."

i still know the young women response of "i am a daughter of my Heavenly Father who loves me and i love Him."

but that's not really what i mean.

i'm not completely sure i even know what i mean.

i just know that a lot has happened between 18 and 21.

and i feel like i had things together a lot better when i was 18.

i probably didn't feel like that at the time.

but i feel like that now.

i just want to freeze time and make everything stop so i can figure everything out.

because it's turning out that every single time i figure something out-time continues to move forward and in so doing-things happen that totally throw off what i've "figured out."

i don't think that sentence made sense.

it did to me though.

like i said, i've been doing a lot of thinking the past couple of weeks.

i've been taking steps forward.

i've been trusting the Lord like i don't think i have ever had to before.

and right when i had a general idea of where i was going and what was happening, i was stopped.
completely stopped.

biggest crossroad of my life.

and i'm trying to figure out where i'm supposed to go.

again, just trusting in the Lord.

and begging for everyone else to trust me and support me.

i have huge potential to be very hurt.

and there is a massive part of me that wants to turn around and run the other way.

to go back into the light that i know was there before because i'm sick of stepping into the darkness and waiting for the light to follow.

but then there's a part of me that has the strength to take the risk.

because the risk, despite all my work and efforts to make it otherwise, feels right.

i think.

it's hard to say right now.

all i know is what my ultimate goal is.

that has been made very clear to me.

and trying to figure out which path is going to be the most beneficial in getting me to that goal.

no rest for the weary.

i have never in my life been so caught off guard.

but in more ways than one, i'm finding that the Lord's deliverance will rarely come in the form of anything that looks, tastes, smells or sounds like deliverance.

and i just have to trust.

it's a shame i have serious trust issues.

so that's where i stand right now.

this week has been unreal.

i keep waiting to wake up and realize it was all just another one of my bad dreams.

but that doesn't seem to be happening.

apparently this is real.

reality is exhausting.

i highly suggest dodging it.

it's what i normally do.

perhaps i will give that a try again...

i'm terrified of what's to come.

i'm scared out of my mind that all these steps into the dark will only be just that.

i'm afraid there will be no light.

i'm fairly confident i'll be taking those steps on my knees.

fresh courage take, right?




lyric:i am outside. and i've been waiting for the sun. and with my wide eyes i've seen worlds that don't belong. my mouth is dry with words i cannot verbalize. tell me why we live like this. keep me safe inside your arms like towers. tower over me. 'cause we are broken.-paramore

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