April 9, 2009

fresh courage take

there's a lot to say. and i mostly don't remember all of it.

but i will try.

i left for arizona on st. patrick's day and stayed there for 5 days. my parents and rylan came too.

my grandpa was supposed to be having heart surgery, but the day we got there was the day it got postponed until the monday after we left.
so we technically ended up going "for no reason".
but it was so nice to be there and to see so much of my family.
i feel like i never see them.
mostly because i don't ever see them.
growing up in Georgia was lovely and all, but i feel very much like i missed out on knowing my family and letting them know me.
it makes me sad to think about how much they don't know me and how much i don't know them.
but being there for a few days was really nice.
it was nice to be able to talk and visit and know them.

and then i came back to provo.

it was in the high 80's in arizona.

it was in the mid 30's here.

yuck, yuck, yuck.

i mean...everything hurts enough already..i could seriously do without freezing hands and feet.

the weather here is such a tease.

super warm and sunny.

super rainy and cold.

with the occasional snow flurry..


i'm crossing my fingers that spring will get over it's stage fright and just come out.

because the yo-yo game is driving me bonkers.

in other depressing and not so interesting news,

i turned the big 21 last sunday.


i was truly dreading the day for...months.

every aspect of it just laid the dread on a little bit thicker.

i hate the idea of being older. 21 means old. 21 means the real kind of adult.
april 5th means another year has gone by...

and i'm not sure what i have to show for it.

broken shreds of a heart?

that's about it..

and that's about pathetic.

but it's all i've got.

not for lack of trying to have more than that, of course.

but my trying skills seem to be waning lately.

and i'm trying to fix that.

moral of this story:

i'm old. i don't like it. i need change.

the end.

in other..other news...

my parents flew catherine out to provo as a surprise for my birthday.

it was great.

i have missed her so much lately and i've been wanting her to come visit so badly.
so it was quite the happy surprise to have her come.

good job and a round of applause to all month and a half secret keepers.
i salute you.

also, i got to go to the sunday morning session of general conference.
elder holland spoke.
to me, i swear.
i know it sounds a little selfish, but sometimes i honestly feel like they're talking to only me.
his talk was amazing. i loved it.

in other, other, other news...

a new roommate moved in a couple days ago.
she is super cute.
her name is Stefanie and she is very sweet.
i look forward to the prospects of a good roommate experience.
they are so rare, you know...

and i think that may be it...

i'm really going to need to be more on top of updating this bad boy, because these 3 year old entries are starting to get old.

so i'll try to do that.

but if it doesn't happen...just remember my previous waning "trying skills" and forgive me.

well, there's no sunshine today. only clouds and rain and chilly rain.

which means i should go work out and tan.

'cause sister needs some endorphins.


ps. i did something i never thought i would have the strength to do. i was terrified to do it. now i'm terrified that i did. i'm trying to be strong. but i don't have a ton of strength left in me. in fact, i might be in debt.

[lyric: i was thinking that the season could be held between my arms but just as summers hold is fleeting,i was here but now i'm gone. i'm gone.-dashboard confessional]

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