March 12, 2009

to everything there is a season...

yeah. it's been a while. my bad.
i guess stuff has been happening.
nothing too note worthy though.
there are only 5[ish] weeks left of school.
that's weird.
i'm not really excited about doing spring semester. but you've got to do what you've got to do, right?
i mean...that's what they say at least.
but yeah..i'm not too thrilled at the thought of going to school during any of the summer months.
even if i do get out in before the end of june..
that's a whole lot of summer i'm missing out on.
brittany and i are thinking of going somewhere between semesters.
kind of the only semi-reasonable place we could go is California...
but the water is cold there.
well, that's what i hear at least...i've never actually been to the beaches of California.
so..pretty much i'm open to suggestions on where we could go.
i'm going to Arizona next week.
i'm really looking forward to it.
i just need to get away.
i need something to change.
i've been kind of in a rut lately. i'll spare you the details, but i guess in short-life has been a little rough for me.
it's just my time to be sad, i guess.
i'm trying really hard to get better.
really, really, really hard.
but lately i've been feeling very stuck.
like i'm doing everything i can to move forward but i'm just a lame lab rat running in a wheel.
i just don't feel like i'm getting very far.
and i feel like i've been like this so long that everyone is fed up with me being like this...
i mean..i know i am. so why shouldn't they be?
it's just hard.
all of it.
it's hard to focus on school.
it's hard to fake everything so much.
the smiles, the laughs, the "fun"..
so much of it is fake.
i'm tired of lying to people when they ask me how i am.
i don't want to draw attention to myself by telling them the truth...
but it gets so exhausting having to convince people that i'm fine.
i don't doubt that this will ultimately teach me some grand lesson or give me some wonderfully disguised experience..
but right here. right now. i'm sad.
and i feel so broken.
i feel like i've been this way for too long now.
i worry that this is the new me. this is who i am from now on.
i cry all the time.
i worry about everything.
i hurt everywhere.
i don't want this to be the new me.
i don't want this to be me at all. i want it all to just go away.
i don't even sleep the same anymore.
my dreams are more nightmares than dreams and sleep has become very tiring.
welcome to depression.
i hate it.
i feel so weak.
but i'm trying.
with all the strength i can muster and pray for, i'm trying.
because i don't want to be like this.
and i don't want to make anyone else hurt by just giving up.
tempting as it may be from time to time, i don't want that.
but sometimes...there's a strange feeling.
like i want to go home.
but not home to savannah.
just home.
it's odd. and i don't quite know how to explain it.
i just long for the feeling of home..but when i try to analyze it, it's not just my house type of home.
heavenly home?
home to sanity?
i don't know.
i just know what it feels like.
and along with that, i often feel like running away.
i've got no where to go.
i've got nothing else to do.
but sometimes i just want to run away.
just me, my ipod and my prayers.
peace out and come back when i feel alive again.
i think that's why i'm looking forward to Arizona so much.
i'm hoping that somewhere between the travel, the family and the change i'll get some sort of resuscitation.
i'm hoping i'll feel a little bit more alive.
a little less broken.
i'm hoping.
and here's to hoping...


lyrics: i need something to believe in, a breath from the breathing. so write it down. i don't think that i'll close my eyes. 'cause lately i'm not dreaming. so what's the point in sleeping? it's just that at night, i've got nowhere to hide..-jack's mannequin.

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