October 26, 2012

'cause this is thriller.

a picture garrett sent me while he was on his mission in Australia. i almost died.
day two. today i will tell you about some fears i have and i will also explain why it is a fear. and you will not judge me. a cone of safety has descended over me and it keeps you from judging/making fun/ridiculing/making weird faces at me and my fears. and if you defy the laws of this cone of safety, i will...whatever. i don't know. just don't judge me, okay?

3 Legitimate Fears

1) that's right. you guessed it, you genious, you. spiders. i hate them. i hate their legs. i hate their creepy bodies that crunch when you smash them. i hate their eyes. ALL of their eyes. i hate the nasty fur they sometimes have on their legs. i hate the way they scurry about. i hate their webs that always seem to be face level. i hate that looking at them gives me the creep-chills and ruins my shaved legs. i hate their big bulbous butts. i hate their pincers. i hate that they have the capacity to kill me. i hate their pompous attitude like, "oh, what? you pay rent here? okay. i'll just settle here in this corner where you don't ever go and just ride this gravy train and then scamper across the floor right beneath your feet in the night and cause you to twist your ankle." i'm not entirely sure where my fear of spiders  originated, but i do know that it's been around for a while. because i distinctly remember (when my family lived in tennessee) getting out of our pool, wrapping a towel around me an then losing my aboslute shiz because there was a daddy long leg on on my towel and oh. my. stars. I TOUCHED IT. 

however, as horrific as that moment was, i have a much worse story. much. much. worse. i was 15. i was sitting on the floor in our family room whilst my parents and i watched a movie. my mom spotted a big, fat, leggy spider. she pointed and shouted. within  a nano second i was off the floor and my dad was off the couch, ready to stomp it. and stomp it he did. and then it happened. OH THE HORROR! hundreds, nay MILLIONS (or so it seemed) of teensy baby spiders scattered about our living room floor. apparently that big, fat, leggy spider had been carrying her freak babies on her back. my mom screamed, my dad jumped back in shock and i, at this point, was hanging from the ceiling fan, quivering with heavy sobs of fear. one can of Raid and a good solid vacuuming did the trick. but i don't think i will ever be the same. also, i will not sleep tonight.

2) i have a serious peter pan complex. getting old. it freaks me out. i'm 24 right now and i feel like i'm coming to the end of my life. i hate getting old and i'm terrified of the idea of living with pain or illness for the rest of my life. i hate thinking that my body will one day not function the way it does now. i fear wrinkles and gray hair. i fear saggy boobs and bad hearing. it's all super scary to me. and  in my mind, that will all come at about the age of 30. (i know that's not realistic, but i still think it.) i don't know when/why/how this fear came about, but it's been around for a while. i do know that. and it seems to increase each year. terrific.

3) i'm scared i won't be able to lose baby weight. in short, i'm scared that being a mom will automatically equivilate me to being  fat. i know. i know. i'm completely selfish and stupid. again, i don't know where this fear originates. i've been incredibly aware of my body and its many imperfections for years and years. like since i was 10 and someone called me fat. it's a long story. maybe one day i'll explain. but gaining baby weight legit scares me. and to some women this is the last thing in the world they would ever think about. but i've never been one of those eat whatever you want and stay skinny kind of girls. EVER. and if i want to lose weight i have to really kick my butt to do so. it's not an easy thing for me. it's not a pretty picture. I DON'T LIKE DOING IT! (please someone name that movie.) and i want to have children, but i've gone so long trying to maintain my weight or lose weight that the idea of intentionally gaining weight is down right terrifying. and i fear that if i do gain weight that i can't lose that i'll resent my baby for it. and i don't want to be that mother. oh heaven help me. i can FEEL the judgement pouring over me. so much for the cone of safety.

but there you have it. three super legitimate fears.

and here are a few other fears you might like to mock me for.

-manhole covers
-public bathrooms
-someone stealing gilly
-raw chicken

try not to let your opinion of me change too much, okay?


lyrics:come moring light, you and i will be safe and sound. 


  1. what a list! I'm surprised at how many of the same fears we have. However, my biggest fear in life is for sure throwing up. I despise it, hate it, want to run away from it, can't stand it and would do or give anything to not throw up! Let's just hope and pray I'm someone who doesn't have a serious case of morning sickness down the road. yuck! xo

  2. movie: Aladdin. Quoter: the Genie. i love you.

  3. Ah dangit Britt...you beat me to it!

  4. Everyone should fear the phrase "man hole covers".