who i am not.

i've been semi-contemplative lately. 

i've been thinking about this blog of mine a lot.

sometimes all i want to do is sit down and type everything. all of my thoughts and feelings and even the stupid mundane crap that no one cares about. 

like the fact that i disassembled and then reassembled a toilet today.

and then i stop myself. because i remember that no one cares about that crap. 

and i should write something better. and then i end up not writing anything because i feel like i can't come up with anything worth reading. and then i wonder if my life is as dull as it seems in writing. 

and ultimately i wonder if this blog and i should part ways. 

side note story: when i was in middle school, i had a crush on a boy. he hardly knew who i was. until one day when i brought an exorbitant amount of candy to school one day. (my reasons for having the candy currently escape me. also, it's not important for the story. so quit judging the pudgy middle school version of me who carried 3 lbs of candy around in her book bag and read the rest.) suddenly, since all middle school boys are comprised of three things and three things only: candy, hormones and angst, he saw my book bag full of candy and yearned to fulfill a very significant part of himself. so he asked me for candy. and i, totally crushing, was happy to oblige. and what? behold. he actually talked to me. an actual conversation. albeit a trivial, mundane school conversation..but a conversation none the less. 

and so i began an experiment. if i brought candy every day, and if i provided Crush with candy every day and if we consequently had a conversation every day, then surely..SURELY his love for me would grow faster than his chances of Type 2 diabetes. 

i honestly don't know how long this nonsense went on. time gets all sorts of warped in middle school. it's like a wrinkle in time: the puberty edition. but it did go on for a while. he would stop at my locker in between two of his classes and i would give him candy. sometimes he would hit me up in the middle of the crowded hallways and we would have more of a sly drug exchange. but he at least always said hi. 

until one day when i tried to talk to him. without candy. and it was like he didn't know me. like we had never spoken (or had our 6th grade science class together). and i realized i was nothing to him without the candy. he was not interested in me or my life. he certainly didn't have a crush on me. he wanted candy. that's all. i was a means to an end. nothing more than a free vending machine.

and i was mortified. i was so embarrassed. it was pathetic. i was pathetic. 
and when i realized all of this, i began to wonder if anyone was genuinely interested in me or my life or if they only liked me for what i could offer them. 

i could go on with a terribly, terribly heartbreaking story to justify all this middle school insecurity, but i'll save it for another post. suffice it to say that middle schoolers eat their young. they are the worst.

anyways, lately i have begun to see a few comparisons between this blog/blogging and that sad middle school girl i used to be. 

lately i have wondered if i have to bust out the proverbial candy in order to really get my words out there. because in all honestly, i do want followers. i feel like i have words to say and thoughts to express and i feel like some of them are actually kind of worth reading. and yes, this blog is for me. but i just don't think that my life is meant for just me. i want to share it. and writing it is the best way i know how. and perhaps foolishly, i want people to read. 

that being said...

i've come to the conclusion that i won't part ways with my blog. 

but i am going to lay some crap out there and if you choose to not read anymore then...whatever. 

this kind of whatever to be specific.

so here's the skinny: i don't completely know who i am in the blog world. but i do know who i am not.

i am not a fashion blogger.

few and far between will be the posts about "what i wore" or "great thrifted finds" or "insert fashion blogger phrase here" 

because seriously, i'm still that girl that wears jeans and a tee every day. even for my engagements.

i may or may not still wear that outfit. stop judging me.

(however, in my defense, i think i could have a down payment for a new car if i were to sell all of the designer jeans i've acquired over the years. so maybe that makes me less of a fashion fool? probably not.)

anyways, i just can't bring myself to haul out my huge camera, tear garrett away from his video games homework and then seek out good lighting just to capture the same thing over and over again. 

and if you need more proof that i'm not a fashion blogger, i have read (no joke) about 12 different people wearing their "chambray" shirts lately and every time i'm like "wtf, mate. that's just a denim shirt." 

(and just as a side note: i mean absolutely no offense to those of you who rock your chambray shirts and look super hawt doing so. i'm just saying...since i'm not entirely sure of how to pronounce chambray and since i still associate it with 1986-and since i'm obviously not high fashion enough to know that 1986 is probably totally in-i'm not very fashion forward. that's all i'm trying to express. if that chambray works for you, then work it hard, girlfran.)

my wardrobe just called. it was just to remind me that until 2006 comes back into style i should not be and definitely am not a fashion blogger.

i am not a foodie blogger.

you guys. i love food. i do.

and i love baking. and sometimes even cooking.

and i make a few mean meals. and garrett has always been more than happy with the meals i make for him. and i would even go so far as to say i'm a good cook. i mostly just make crap up and it doesn't just work out-it's usually freaking good.

but i am poor. 

there, i said it.

and garrett and i are on a super strict food budget and i can't just go buy ass cheese (which, yes, despite its most unfortunate and hilarious name, is the most expensive cheese in the world) and prosciutto and local bakery bread to make fancy pants grilled cheese snamiches. 

but i can still make a delicious snamich.

and guys, garrett and i get to eat out like maybe once a month. so dedicating my blog to fantastic eats in the city of savannah (though there are several-what's up paula deen? i love your butter chicken.) would be less than exciting. and since we usually just go to the same Indian restaurant (because it is for reals the cat's pajamas) it would be extra boring. unless you're just so into tikka masala that you would dig reading a whole blog about just tikka masala. let me know if that's the case. i'll see what i can do for you.

...ahem.

i love food. but i am not a foodie blogger.

i am not a DIY/craft blogger.

i've been dabbling in crafts since forever. i mean it. i have always loved crafts. and i have the most heinous scrapbook i threw together at the tender age of nine to prove it. and i would show it to you except that your soul would die if you saw it. and also mine. and also i want you to like me. and not judge the snot out of me or base my skillz on my pre-pubescent crapfest of crafts.

but seriously. i have always loved making things. and i love, love, love DIY-ing and crafting. and i do it. often. 

a bridal shower i crafted my way through.

and hopefully it's a little worlds better than it was some years ago. and maybe sometimes i'll show you things that i've done/made. and probably they'll all be awesome. but let's face it. i'll always be a poor man's pinterest when it comes to you drooling over fantastic DIY crafts that  you'll never actually get around to making yourself.  so get your DIY craft fix over on pinterest. because i am not a DIY/craft blogger.

i am not a photography blogger.

a couple of christmases ago santa brought me a really fabulous camera. a canon rebel xs. and the minute i saw it i fell in love with it. and then i realized how not "point and shoot" it was. umm...f/stop? shutter speed? aperture? depth of field? what the flapjack did any of that crap mean? i just wanted super clear pictures with really great lighting and a blurry backround. 

you know, something like this. (my sister-in-law's dog, winston. he's a doll.)

ha!

so naive. and i say that like i totally understand everything about my camera. i don't. i'm still learning it. but i did quickly realize that having a good camera didn't make me a good photographer. and i've had to put a good deal of work and studying in and i think i am improving. a little. and sometimes i get a killer picture and think "hells yes i'm good at this." and then i put it on my computer and realize that it's focused in all the wrong place and i have blurry backround where it ought not be (face palm) so..though i have a lovely, fancy pants camera, and though i do, on occasion, take a good picture...i think it's pretty obvious that i am not a photography blogger.

i am not a beauty blogger.

but please do not get me wrong on this. because i truly, truly love the beauty industry. and yes, i am a licensed cosmetologist. yes, i have done several wedding's/engagements worth of makeup and hair for brides and their families/friends (including my own).

ignore my hair. it was crazy hot.

and yes, i do believe in wearing makeup. and i wear a lot of it. (mostly because i wasn't blessed with the kind of skin/face that allows me to just slap a swipe of blush, a flick of mascara and a touch of tinted lip gloss and call it good. i hate  envy you girls who can do that.) and yes, i do bring home the bacon by doing hair. but despite all of that, i just don't see myself making my whole blog about just hair and makeup. and since i forget to do before and after pictures every. single. time. i do a cut or color or airbrush makeup-it's probably for the better that i am not a beauty blogger. 

and not to state the obvious or anything...but

i am not a mommy blogger.

mostly because i am not a mommy to a human being.

and by mostly, i mean entirely. 

i mean what? i totally have a kid. she even wears  BYU tees!

i would like to be mama to a few little human babes at some point. but as of right now, it's just my gilly girl. and i'm okay with that. and let me not mince words: i would totally be a dog-mommy blogger. but i'm not so sure how many people would be into that. and i also feel like declaring myself a dog-mommy blogger would automatically sentence me to a life of comfort slacks and crocs. and a chineck. 

....

anyways, i'm not a mommy. i probably will be one day. but until that day, i am not a mommy blogger.

that's a lot of things i am not. so if you're looking for any of that, i'm sorry. i cannot provide. (but i assure you there are pleeeenty of other blogs for you to read and follow in order to get your fix. and they're great.) and i realize it's a lot of writing/reading but it needed to be said.  because i'm honestly really tired of feeling like i have to conform and squeeze and provide blog-candy for everyone. 

i don't exactly know who i am in the blog world. but i do know i am not that middle school girl.

and if i want to write about disassembling and reassembling a toilet--i will. and hopefully, you won't be like that middle school boy. hopefully, you'll think i'm just as great without the candy. 

here's hoping.

love,

kate.

lyrics: it's been a hell of a day I've spent fading away. we all fade sometimes, i believe.