April 25, 2012

the doctor is in.

i like to talk about the weird/painful things that happen to me.
like the bruise i had that was so big mcdonald's and walmart were both inquiring about setting up shop.

it was roughly the size of my palm.
and it hurt something fierce.
and you can bet your bottom doll hair that i talked about/showed this bad boy to everyone i knew.
and occasionally those i didn't know as well.

but that was a while ago.
so i can't really talk about it unless someone else is telling a bruise story.
but this week i seem to have a slew of weird ailments.
so obvi i'm going to blog about them.

first, there's my back.
remember that time i had to get an MRI because i hurt my back opening my freezer.
like an old woman.
well, that actually ended up being an annular tear.
and that mostly just means that a lot of crap makes my back hurt.
and that i can't lift over 15lbs.
or bend.
or twist.
or move.
because that's not an inconvenience.
last week, i hurt it real bad lifting groceries out of my car. 
i'm fairly certain i'm living my 80 year old life.

second, my wrist.
for some years now, both of my wrists have been housing what i think to be the same ganglion cyst.
(i'm more than positive that's not medically possible, but seriously-what are the chances of one person having a ganglion cyst in both wrists but never at the same time? i'm just saying..)
anyways, i think it prefers my right wrist because it's been chillin there for a while now. and it just kept getting bigger. like disturbingly bigger.
oh, what? you don't know what a ganglion cyst is?
well, that makes two of us. 
i don't know what it is made of exactly, and i don't know why i have it.
i just know that it's not totally uncommon but it is pretty painful and sort of looks really creepy.
in my completely non-medical terms-it's a lump. 

as a side note i would like to mention that my sister, jackie, firmly believes i have a horse hoof growing inside me. apparently, the hoof horses have now is the result of years of evolution.
according to this picture, horses used to have feet like chickens. 

through the years they've lost the toes and developed what we now know as the hoof. 
naturally, my sister believes this to be occurring within my hand.
and honestly,it wouldn't be surprising.
this is what i have so far.

foul, right?
well, it has been super hurty lately and on sunday i had pretty much had it. 
and i think my dad had pretty much had it with me talking about it.
because out came the syringe, the lidocain and the gauze. 
(another sidenote: my dad is a licensed medical doctor. just so we're clear.)
and he proceeded to stick and poke and aspirate that cyst to an oblivion.
i would like to interject here the fact that my pain tolerance is pretty darn high. 
i could list off a number of reasons that would make you believe me, but i'm just going to need you to take my word for it.
also, i'm not afraid of needles. like at all.

so none of this really bothered me. 
especially since i had a butt load of lidocain in my hand. i couldn't feel anything.

i swear an hour passed and nothing was happening.
he was trying to suck out the innerds of the cyst out but it seemed to be full of nothing. because nothing came out.
until it did.
and i don't have a picture of it. but basically it looked like clear jell-o. which only solidified my sister's belief that it's a horse hoof--being that jell-o is, in fact, made of horse hooves. 
and it was probably the grossest thing ever. and since i'm not normal, i laughed at it and hoped for more.
 but unfortunately not much more came out. and now i have a super hurty wrist and an angry cyst. 
(and a rhyme.)
because apparently aspiration/this method only works for new cyst and i have an old one.

i know. it's glamorous.

on to the next one.
my forearm.
yesterday i was taking a nap.
because i love naps.
and i woke up to a bug bite on my forearm.
i tried to go back to sleep but i kept feeling like a bug was on me and the thought was driving me nuts. after stripping the blankets and my hoodie off, i found no bug. but a visible mound of bug bite.
then it was itchy and i had no hopes of going back to sleep.
i cursed that bug.
and i continue to do so since that "bug" wasn't a bug after all.
it was a spider.
i hate, i hate, i hate spiders.
and now that is has seriously begun to swell and my forearm has a fever of sorts, it is very clear that it is now infected.

the picture does no justice. it's real swollen. and it's real hot to the touch.

i can't wait to see what awesome ailments tomorrow holds.
if i'm lucky i'll just kick it loony toons style and an anvil will just fall on my head.
here's hoping!


lyrics: so sick so sick of being tired and oh so tired of being sick.


  1. Homegirl I had a ganglion cyst and I had to get it surgically removed!!!! You might wanna look into that, its the only way they don't come back

  2. I watched them take out a cyst on The Doctors last week. Maybe you could be on TV! Also, I think it's awesome to be the kind of friends who talk about bruises.

  3. wow!!! crazy. hope everything pans out okay! And talk about bruises- I developed a HUGE one this week. Quite crazy- take a look on instagram (eleasejane). We can be bruise buddies ;) xo! feel better!

  4. Maybe your back problems occured while we were making all those blasted Monopoly pieces and letting our backs have a serious beating! Maybe.

  5. Oh, that looks painful! Hope you feel much better soon.